How to discuss 3 of the scariest things with kids: death, injuries, and disabilities while teaching safety
- "Mommy, why did the ambulance come?" the innocent eyes ask.
Do you have a simple answer?
At some time, our kids face reality - things happen to people they love.
As parents, we are responsible for making this realization as painless as possible.
When you feel your child is ready to take a new step in learning about things that might scare him, do it gently.
It's better to discuss those topics when life is calm and nothing has happened than to try to collect yourself during an emergency and explain it to your child at the same time.
How to discuss death while teaching kids safety
This is the scariest safety topic. If you’ve already had this conversation, you can refer to it.
Long story short, build your conversation around three things:
- Humans are intended to live a long, happy life.
- Safety is the science of keeping yourself alive and healthy for as long as possible.
- If people don't follow safety rules, their lives might end sooner, or they could lose their health.
Use as much generalization as you can.
Say your kids are learning safety and will live a long, happy life.
This is how we were created and how our lives are intended to be.
How to discuss injuries while teaching safety
Kids do not realize the consequences of a fracture until they get one.
The only way to teach about trauma is to utilize the mishaps you get along the way.
A child got a burn? A couple of days later, go back to that situation and say:
"Remember how painful that little burn with the fingertip was?
Can you imagine how painful it would be if you put your whole hand on it rather than just your fingertip?”
Explain that our body will stay with us for our whole lives. It can heal, but it can't regenerate. You can show the starfish growing their arms or lizards growing their tails. Explain that humans cannot do the same.
How to respond if your child got hurt - to build connection and teach safety
We all saw moms leaving playdates carrying their almost 8-year-olds, dramatically suffering after losing a fight with a sibling.
And we also saw kiddos like, "I'm-okay-just-trapped-over-with-my-bike-landing-on-top," who shook off the dirt and left you in the dust, staring at their tailgates and wondering if those kids are made of rubber.
The way you respond to your children’s traumas shows them how they are supposed to behave.
If you go into "panic mode" whenever your kids fall, kids lose the "anchor" to hold on to.
In their minds, you are the rock they can rely on if something happens, and now it is failing them.
On the other hand, just trying to stay calm and casually ask, "Are you okay?" might amplify your child's negative emotions and trigger "acting" about how badly they were hurt.
It might signal that his need for support wasn't met.
How parents accidentally open their kids to bullying
On the opposite side of the scale, if you exaggerate your response and pay too much attention to minor things, your child may subconsciously learn that to get someone's attention, he needs to get hurt.
This may lead to unhealthy patterns in future relationships, like the "victim-rescuer-prosecutor" (also known as a drama triangle).
If you step into a kid's conflict on someone's side, kids may learn that to have someone on their side (a parent, a teacher), they need to provoke that child to hurt them.
This is one reason some kids get bullied all the time, and adults can't help them - because everybody knows this child is intentionally victimizing himself to manipulate the adults.
The algorithm of handling a boo-boo situation
Instead of saying "Are you okay?" or commenting on the acting, try the following algorithm (inspired by a conversation of Milton Erickson with his son) when responding to the boo-boo situation.
It works with emotional trauma as well.
Step 1: Make a connection
When you see your child already hurt, come to him and say, "It hurts. It hurts a lot" (for a major thing) or "It hurts. It probably hurts" (for a minor thing).
- This builds an immediate connection between you and your child.
- And instead of your child thinking, "It's good to say, ' Are you okay? '- that's not you who is hurting", he feels you understand what is going on.
- Now you have his ears and trust. And a chance to say what comes next.
Otherwise, you are talking to an alien who does not hear you.
When someone is hurt, he falls into the internal part of his mind - focusing more on the inside than the outside.
All the brain resources are busy figuring out the trauma. This is why people do not respond during the first couple of seconds when they are in shock.
Step 2: Verbalize child's feelings/fear
Choose Plan A or B depending on how bad the situation is.
Plan A. If the trauma is easy (he was running and fell), ask, "What do you feel more: you're more hurt or scared/disappointed/upset?"
In many cases, they will say "upset/scared" and be done.
- You verbalized his FEELINGS, and you contained them.
- You addressed his needs.
- Case closed. He can run again.
The rest of the algorithm is for the bigger traumas.
Plan B. If the trauma is severe and you both understand it, say, "It is probably going to hurt more".
- Your child has the fear that this moment is not the end, that the ER treatment and the recovery process will hurt as well.
- Your goal is to verbalize his FEAR.
- It is easier for him to hear it from you than to suspect it.
For a child, it also means you are still with him. You accept him and his feelings, no matter what has happened.
This reassures him that his feelings and fears are normal.
- You are still the grown-up.
- You are accountable.
- You can handle it.
Step 3: Verbalize child's need
The next step is to say, "You want this to stop hurting".
- This way, you verbalize his NEED.
- This is a turning point from the past to the future.
- This reminds your child that there is a way out. Kids usually stop crying at this point.
In some cases, if a child also ruined her dress, broke her toy, and feels upset, you can say, "You want this to be fixed/cleaned".
Step 4: Verbalize child's hope
Next, say, "It might get better soon."
- This way, you verbalize his HOPE. The word "might" matters because otherwise, your child may think you are lying to calm him down. "Might" is giving him a way to accept hope.
Step 5: Support and figure out what to do next
The next step is to say, "Let's see what we can do here."
- Whatever you say next needs to be positive and encouraging. "You've gotten calm so quickly - you are brave."
- "Thank you for cooperating and being patient" - whatever positive you can say to support your child.
- Then examine the trauma and figure out what to do next.
Step 6: Lift your child up
When someone is hurt, his physical barrier with the world is broken.
And the emotional one is broken too.
- Feeling miserable is normal.
- Our goal is to lift the child's spirit and do not let him feel guilty.
- Offenders often try to make people feel guilty for being hurt - don't let your child fall into this - help him be resilient.
Step 7: Verbalize the lesson
At some point, it is necessary to say, "It was a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes." "Let's think about how to avoid it next time."
If you and your child learn these steps, you will both feel less panic, even when the trauma is severe.
And one more thing:
Please never laugh, even if the situation looks funny (like when a child gets stuck in the mud and falls on his bottom), and you can't help but smile.
This may hurt more than the accident.
How to discuss disabilities while teaching kids safety
The next way to start a conversation about safety mistakes that can lead to severe injury or disability is to point out people in wheelchairs, people who are blind, and amenities for people who are disabled.
You need to be gentle and super delicate - you don't want to offend these people by staring, pointing, or discussing their differences with your child in front of them.
The best approach is to quietly draw your child's attention to the person and discuss it later.
- Discuss how good it is to have all your body parts functioning well.
- Also, having the complete set of all those body parts.
- That's a suitable place to start the conversation about what people can do despite their disabilities, too.
How to respond when kids ask what happened to that person:
1. You can say that it might be the way they came into this world.
2. It might also be an accident they could not control. Make sure not to scare kids when introducing the topic of misfortune.
It's tough, but it’s better kids learn it from you:
"Life may turn unfair, not the way it’s meant to be. Even though we cannot understand why and never accept it.”
Otherwise, the shock of facing something unfair happening to someone accidentally might be amplified by the child's unpreparedness: "HOW could that happen? It's so unfair!"
To soften the landing, you can say that things like that, fortunately, don't happen very often.
3. This person with a disability might have made a huge mistake.
- ! The balance between creating the fear of mistakes and understanding is fragile.
- It depends on how you explain that one mistake at one moment can change someone's life drastically and forever.
- And that kids need to take care of their bodies and keep themselves safe.
Warning: you don't want to instill fear of making mistakes when discussing trauma.
Even though a mistake can put someone in a wheelchair, we are here to learn safety measures to prevent it.
Explain that mistakes in learning are normal and beneficial, and they do not lead to a wheelchair, granted you follow the safety instructions.
But careless mistakes and neglected safety measures are dangerous.
The goal is to explain to kids:
"You are keeping yourself safe not only for the sake of your mom's sanity but because you will not be given any other body than this one".
And kids need to do everything possible to never need any help from the ambulance.
Their "tail" will not regrow.
Do you want your child to be safe with people?
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In situations you have never discussed?
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