We all saw moms leaving play dates carrying their almost 8 year-olds dramatically suffering after losing a fight with a sibling.

And we also saw kiddos "I'm-okay-just-trapped-over-with-my-bike-landing-on-top" who just shook off the dirt and left you in the dust staring at their tailgates, wondering if those kids are made of rubber.

The way you respond to your children’s traumas will give them the scenario of how they are supposed to behave.

If you go into "panic mode" whenever your kids fall, kids lose the "anchor" to hold on to.

In their minds, you are the rock they can rely on if something happened, and now it is failing them.

On the other hand, just trying to stay calm and casually ask, "Are you okay?" might amplify your child's negative emotions and trigger "acting" about how badly they were hurt.

It might signal that his needs for your support were not met.

How parents accidentally open their kids to bullying

On the opposite side of the scale, if you exaggerate your response and pay too much attention to minor things, your child may subconsciously learn that to get someone's attention, he needs to get hurt.

This may lead to unhealthy patterns in their future relationships like "victim-rescuer-prosecutor" (also known as a drama triangle).

If you step in into a kid's conflict on someone's side, kids may learn that to have someone on their side (a parent, a teacher), they need to provoke that child to hurt them.

This is one reason some kids get bullied all the time and adults can't help them - because everybody knows this child is intentionally victimizing himself to manipulate the adults.

The algorithm of handling a boo-boo situation

Instead of saying "Are you okay?" or commenting on the acting, try the following algorithm (inspired by a conversation of Milton Erickson with his son) responding to the boo-boo situation.

It works with emotional trauma as well.

Step 1: Make a connection

When you see your child already hurt, come to him and say, "It hurts. It hurts a lot" (for a major thing) or "It hurts. It probably hurts" (for a minor thing).

• It will build an immediate connection between you and your child.
• And instead of your child thinking - "It's good to say are you okay - that's not you who is hurting", he feels you understand what is going on.
• Now you have his ears and trust. And a chance to say the next thing.

Otherwise, you are talking to an alien who does not hear you.

When someone is hurt, he falls into the internal part of his mind - focusing more on the inside than outside.

All the brain resources are busy figuring out the trauma. This is why people do not respond during the first couple of seconds when they are in shock.

Step 2: Verbalize child's feelings/fear

Chose Plan A or B depending on how bad the situation is.

Plan A. If the trauma is easy (he was running and fell), ask, "What do you feel more: you're more hurt or scared / disappointed / upset".

In many cases, they will say "upset / scared" and be done.

• You verbalized his FEELINGS, and you contained them.
• You addressed his needs.
• Case closed. He can run again.

The rest of the algorithm is for the bigger traumas.

Plan B. If the trauma is severe and you both understand it, say, "It is probably going to hurt more" .

• Your child has the fear that this moment is not the end, that the ER treatment and the recovery process will hurt as well.
• Your goal is to verbalize his FEAR.
• It is easier for him to hear it from you than to suspect it.

For a child, it also means you are still with him. You accept him and his feelings regardless of what has happened.

This way, you reassure him that his feelings and fears are normal.

• You are still the grown-up.
• You are accountable.
• You can handle it.

Step 3: Verbalize child's need

The next step is to say, "You want this to stop hurting" .

• This way, you verbalize his NEED.
• This is a turning point from the past to the future.
• This way, you remind your child that there is a way out. Kids usually stop crying at this point.

In some cases, if a child also ruined her dress, broke her toy, and feels upset, you can say, "You want this to be fixed / cleaned".

Step 4: Verbalize child's hope

The next step is to say, "It might get better soon" . 

• This way, you verbalize his HOPE. The word "might" is important because otherwise, your child may think you are lying to him to calm him down. "Might" is giving him a way to accept hope.

Step 5: Support and figure out what to do next

The next step is to say: "Let's see what we can do here". 

• Whatever you say next needs to be positive and encouraging. "You've gotten calm so quickly - you are brave."
• "Thank you for cooperating and being patient" - whatever positive you can say to support your child.
• Then examine the trauma and figure out what to do next.

Step 6: Lift your child up

When someone is hurt, his physical barrier with the world is broken.

And the emotional one is broken too.

• Feeling miserable is normal.
• Our goal is to lift the child's spirit and do not let him feel guilty.
• Offenders often try to make people feel guilty for being hurt - don't let your child fall into this - help him be resilient.

Step 7: Verbalize the lesson

At some point, it is necessary to say, "It was a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes", "Let's think how to avoid it the next time."

If you and your child learn these steps, you both will feel less panic even when the traumas are severe.