8 unsafe help requests from strangers that should alert you and your child

A stranger is asking a child for help

This is the second part of the series "Help requests from strangers". Read the first part here: "A stranger is asking a child for help".

When your child turns 3 years old, teach them:

The difference between safe and unsafe help requests
How to behave to be kind and stay safe
What to do if they find themselves in a situation you haven’t discussed yet (for example, if a good-looking old lady is asking for something and you didn’t talk about it)

8 safety situations about help requests from strangers every child needs to know - post cover - an old lady in glasses and red hat

How your child is responding to a help request

Shall I go ahead and help?
Shall I walk away?
Am I rude and unsympathetic?

It's hard.

Most of the time, we encourage our kids to cooperate, answer questions, be nice, polite, and cute.

That's why today we will talk about a very important and commonly neglected skill: Rejection.

Right to reject

By school age, your child needs to learn:

How to reject firmly and politely
How to say "No" to a grown-up
How to express his disagreement, dislike, or unwillingness to participate in something

This is the cornerstone of his ability to stand up for:

his boundaries,
his physical and emotional space, and
his interests and opinions

Three weak spots predators are looking for

These are the most common buttons pushed by predators to manipulate a child:

Significance: feeling important and involved.
Curiosity: luring surprises, adventures, or unknown things.
Being a helper: when your child sees a kitten, a puppy, or someone helpless, old, little, sick, or otherwise in need of help.

These triggers throw children into an unusual and disruptive situation.

What happens to unprepared kids

Most strangers who ask your child for help do it with good intentions (hoping they will help to build good character, for example) or without thinking much at all.
The line between good people and those with bad intent is very subtle for the child.
Harmful people are well-prepared and aware of a child’s psychology. They know and use tricks.

! Unprepared kids cannot figure out when a help request might have bad intentions.

8 scenarios your child must know by kindergarten

Make sure you've discussed all these scenarios and what to do - because they should raise a huge red flag in your child's mind:

A request that is forcing a child into something uncomfortable
A request that must be kept secret
A request to open the door (for inspection, treatment, using a restroom, calling 911, package delivery, a baby crying on the porch, an injured animal, etc.)
A request over the phone when parents are not around
A request requiring a child to enter a house, a building, or move into a different location
A request involving money or other incentives
A request from someone following a child on foot, or in a car, or inviting a child into a car
A fake request for help on behalf of a parent

(If you feel this topic is important, pin this list for other parents, please):

8 unsafe help requests that should alert your child checklist + action plans how kids should respond safely

8 unsafe help requests that should alert you and your child - post cover - phone with candies

P.S. If your child learns how to help and refuse to help properly when he is little, he will be much safer when communicating with strangers, and he will also have higher self-esteem and a lower risk of getting into trouble during the teenage and adult years.

Don’t wait until it is too late.

Download a Free Step-by-step plan of what your kids need to know

"Rules for kids to be safe with strangers (and other people)"

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A stranger is asking a child for help

How to teach your child about tricky people and help requests from strangers in a positive way - post cover - a girl with a backpack

My mom will never forget the moment when I (7 years old) let someone into the house when I was home alone.

I knew these rules:

I should not have opened the door to anyone,
I should not have talked to anyone through the door,
And the dog had to answer the doorbell.

… I broke all the rules.

Why?

The truth is: most parents don’t teach kids safety until something happens, or they don’t teach it in the right way.

Make sure YOUR kids know and understand the rules for staying safe around strangers.

Now read on to see what happened to me.

Before you judge

I was not ignorant about safety. Neither were my parents.

Now, as a mom, I can relate since I'm dealing with the same questions my parents did:

How can we raise a compassionate child without sacrificing her safety?
How can we teach her the difference between legitimate requests for help and those with malicious intent?
How can my child help safely or reject gracefully without feeling bad or guilty?

When I became a mom

I felt anxious that maybe I was not teaching safety enough.

What if my child falls into a help-request manipulation?
What if my teaching falls short and he doesn’t recognize he is in danger?
What if I’m not teaching enough and something happens, and he’s not prepared?

So many crimes could have been prevented if we, as parents, paid more attention to teaching kids preventive safety.

(You can test your child's safety level here).

The real reason I broke the safety rules:

Back to the story.

I had a piano. A huge, glossy instrument had been delivered the day before and sat in my room, unwrapped.

Such a bummer – I couldn’t play. The sound was discordant – it needed tuning.

Mom said someone from the music company should come in the evening to fix it. What? I had to wait for another day?

I was in my room doing my homework.

The doorbell rang, and the dog was barking.

“This is not my mom – Mom has a key,” I thought.

I did not respond.

The doorbell buzzed again, then again.

I was curious:

“Who is so annoying? These are not salespeople.

Someone probably needs something”.

What your kids are not telling you when they break safety rules

What kids don't tell you when they break safety rules - a girl smiling

I tiptoed to the door and peeked into the peephole.

Apparently, my dog and I made enough noise for the man to know someone was home.

The glass was blurry, but I saw a young man in a leather jacket standing at the door. I couldn’t hear well through the door. He said:

-“Hey, I came to tune your piano. I was driving by and realized I was close to your house, so I decided to try to come earlier”.

I didn’t say anything.

He kept talking:

- “I live on the other side of the city, 30 miles away. Your order is the last one for today. I would need to wait for a couple of hours till 7 pm. Can I do it now instead, please?”

- “Mom said not to open the door to strangers,” I thought hesitantly but didn’t say a word.

He pointed to the black leather tool case in his hands:

- “Here are my tools.”

- “Why should I trust you?” I still thought, hanging around the door.

Then he said something that changed my mind:

- “I need some help. Can I please come in and tune your piano now because, otherwise, I will need to wait for 5 hours somewhere until the evening?”

This final drop disrupted my safety scenario:

- “Okay, he knows I have a piano, he has tools, and it feels like he needs HELP,” I concluded.

In my mind, his reasoning made sense.

I let him in ...

The surprising thing was how much fun it was to watch him work. He took out all his screwdrivers, wrenches, and millet.

- “Would you like to come over and see what’s inside your piano?” he asked.

I came closer and touched the strings. The smell of machine oil and wood was tickling my nose. And the sound! Now the sound was bold and clean. It felt awesome.

What I never expected

In the evening, I was so proud to tell my parents about my achievements:

I've got my piano tuned
I learned a new song
I helped someone

I felt I acted like a “big girl” capable of making her own decisions before telling the story to my mom.

Her face went pale as a ghost, and she looked really worried.

- “Are you okay, darling? He did not do anything bad, did he?” she asked.

- “Oh, no. It was fun – he showed me what’s inside the piano”, I replied.

We had a long conversation that evening.

That was the first time:

I learned that some bad people could trick kids.
Adults shouldn't ask kids for help and should call the parents.
Weird strangers can look nice.

Why kids break safety rules

Looking back, I cannot believe I had zero hesitation with strangers.

Neither could my parents imagine such a scenario.

Let me repeat this: My parents could never imagine such a scenario.

I knew the rule: don't open the door.

But I did not understand the consequences of breaking it.

! This is one of the fundamental mistakes - teaching isolated rules without incorporating them into a system.

How many times do we teach our kids some rules without explaining why they work that way?

And without reasoning of what happens if you break them?

Do not make this mistake.

! Instead, teach your child safety as a system versus teaching how to respond to isolated situations.

It does not come with age - many grown-ups fall into the same troubles as kids do.

For example, one classic manipulation to trick a grown-up woman into opening the door is playing a recording of a baby crying on her front porch.

You can not imagine how many scam and manipulation scenarios exist.

And you can not teach them all to your child.

You can read about the 8 most popular tricks used against kids here.

The complete list of classic manipulative scenarios is long, and predators always make something new.

(On a side note, the IRS has a list of the most recent financial scam scenarios - check it out - you may be surprised how creative it gets.)

Your child needs to understand safety as a system so that he can handle situations you have never discussed.

Safety is a skill you have to build. It doesn't build itself.

Tricky people - how to teach your child about help requests from strangers - post cover